Stephen Fahey: The New Plague

So this new super flu that’s been taking people down like a pro MMA fighter attacking a three legged squirrel, it’s no joke. I don’t know if it’s because we’ve been taking antibiotics for so long, but the flu went and got itself a master’s degree in being an asshole. Oh yes. And it’s been hitting the gym like an MMA fighter too. The headaches, chills, sweats, nausea, leg pains, butt cramps, sleepless night and exhaustion all seem to be amped up to 11.

Gone are the good old days of three or four days in bed, burning through a t-shirt every 10 to 15 minutes, because now it’s a ten day affair of drenched pyjamas, veritable mountain ranges of used tissues, enough empty water bottles to build an eco-friendly, self sustaining, floating micro-nation and so many pills, potions, concoctions, teas, inhalations, powders and incenses scattered about the house that one’s abode looks like, on a good day, an addled hippie commune the morning after solstice.

One option is to just wall up the ill inside their houses and set the whole damn thing alight, but the new super flu won’t be stopped be mere fire. Oh no. It’s been watching its action movies and serial killer documentaries on the telly and it knows all the tricks. In fact, it drives around in its car with a kit in the boot, which consists of gloves, duct tape, a roll of plastic bags, a spare pair of socks and a hammer.

The second option is to go to the Doctor’s or a hospital, but there is little they can do against the mighty Super Flu. In fact, you’re more likely to catch something else sitting next to all the sickys in the waiting room or the A&E than if you just stay home and labour uninterrupted on your pillow fort of solitude. Yes, the benefits of medical intervention are proven. Yes, it is good to seek help when one is ill. But no, it’s not good to leave the house while contagious and run the risk of spreading the disease even further. Think of the children, you monsters!

Still and all, we should consider ourselves fortune that the Super Flu hasn’t got its pilots licence. If that bastard figures how to go airborne then we may as well just pack up shop altogether and launch every nuke. Even with all of our advanced technologies and haughty philosophies we are still defenceless against this thing.

The plague started the same way. Think about it. People got sick. Then more people got sick. Then half the known world went to bed one night and never got back up again (just check your history books). This is the next plague. The four donkeymen have ridden into town, people. If this keeps up we’re going to have to break out the bricks and blowtorches. Stay safe out there!

Stephen Fahey

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