Why women spend so much time in the bathroom

At long last the reason women spend so much time in the bathroom has been revealed! It’s the same reason they keep so many lotions, crèmes and powders in there. The reason is as simple as it is terrifying – they are adjusting their human-costumes. That’s right; women are not of this world! We all suspected it. We all thought we knew. But just never thought we’d actually be right, for once. In the privacy and safety of locked bathrooms around the world women sometimes even climb out of their costumes entirely to stretch, air and powder themselves while we sit in the next room, oblivious, like ants. It’s the reason they go to the bathroom in pairs too. Think about it – it’s easier to fix a wrinkled shoulder or butt cheek with a second pair of hands and it’s safer to go au natural for a few minutes if you have a friend keeping guard. It also explains why so many women are obsessed with their hair, nails, skin and clothes and why they’re constantly asking “how do I look?”

We can’t blame them though. Imagine how itchy a fully-body, human-costume must get! Is it any wonder why they’re so cranky all the time?! Suddenly, with this one piece of knowledge everything makes sense: Their cagey behaviour, their superior attitude, their psychic abilities, their inexplicable taste in pizza toppings, their love of cats, their uncanny magnetism, their inability to chose a place to eat, or what to eat, their inability to control their emotions, their unhealthy obsession with shoes, everyone else’s inability to win an argument with one of them, not to mention the peculiar practices of applying makeup, stealing all the bedcovers and having the shower temperature settings cranked all the way up to “volcano”. Which leads to why they are all so damned cold all the bloody time – scientists believe this is due to their home world being much hotter than Earth.

Now that we are aware of their true identities, gentlemen, we must exercise understanding, for our own good. It mustn’t be easy upholding such an ancient, global lie, I mean secret. That must weigh on them immensely and it could, logically, be the cause of their irrational and bitter aggression whenever it is politely suggested to them that they “calm down”. It also explains why they take so long to get ready before going on a night out. They aren’t making us wait in order to build suspense. They are applying the requisite extra layers of glue that will hold their costume together while dancing in sweaty nightclubs or if any drinks are spilled on them. This bizarre truth also explains why no man should ever look in a woman’s handbag. They are an alien technology that violates all known laws of physics. That’s why women can hold far more in a handbag than could ever fit in a normal bag of the same size.

For the record, when out of their human-costumes women don’t have tentacles or hundreds of eyes, or wings or a tail. In fact they don’t actually have bodies. They are non-carbon based, nebulous clouds composed of such vivid light that we would actually die from beauty-overload if we ever saw them in their natural state. Hence, when a woman angers, that is to say, when a man is stupid enough to anger a woman, their eyes rolling back into their skulls and the trembling that accompanies their rage, are simply them holding the light in while it attempts to burst out of their synthetic skin.

Little is known of the secret rituals and customs of women. Nor do we know their true origins. What little information we have is mostly speculative as there has been no official statement from The Queen. However, as women have lived on Earth with us in relative peace for so long it would appear that their intentions are neither military nor political. And while some women do appear to feed on the souls of men, those creatures are so few that it would appear we are not their food, yet.

We would do well to not incur the wrath of this species, Gentlemen, or whatever mothership orbits. We wouldn’t stand a chance if they decide they’ve had enough of our comparatively crude, smelly, degenerative, unkempt, disorganised, hairy, juvenile stupidity. And that’s being kind about it. Don’t pretend that you don’t know I’m speaking the truth. We can’t lie. They’ll know if we lie. They always know.

Stephen Fahey

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