Stephen Fahey: The best dogs in the whole universe!

Nearly four years ago now my dog, Tesla, a Weimaraner, saw fit to be born and thus grace the world with his presence. You may have seen or met Weimaraners while you were walking your dog, or just while out and about, minding your own business, and you may have/probably did think that they are an interesting, handsome and or desirable breed of dog. No one can or does blame you for such thoughts. But, for scientific, socioeconomic and mental health reasons, allow me to herein correct as few myths.

First of all: “Separation Anxiety”. Yes, this is real (believe me it’s so very, very real). If left unsupervised Weimaraners like/want/need to chew, arm wrestle, strangle, judge, elbow-drop, obliterate, decimate, annihilate, intimidate, whip, beat, punch, kick, head-butt and or otherwise argue with doors, gates, walls, cars, more doors (they actually have some hitherto inexplicable issue with doors in general), furniture, potted plants, microwaves (don’t ask), ceilings (really, don’t ask), neighbours, traffic, the government, classical literature, trashy romance novels, supposition, assumption, satire, Christians, Turks, Mongols, Arabs, Martians, Celts, Peruvians and or anything that is or isn’t nailed to the floor with absolute intent.

Second of all: Fine Cuisine. With all the aforementioned internal turmoil occupying the mind of any given Weimaraner it is easy to understand why they appear to be goofy, clumsy, preoccupied, somewhat insane. However, this is simply explained away by the fact that they are unmatched in their humanity. So much so, in fact, that their observable ability to think things through has (rightly) been referred to as “haunting” by multiple, confirmed, reliable sources from around the globe.

As evidenced by these humanoid beasts being both cataclysmic and evocative, in unsettlingly equal measures, there remains a quality to them that transcends all logic. On the most basic level: They have this constant look in their eyes that humans can’t help but intuitively interpret in much the same way that parents looking upon their children do when said brats are moments away from having one too many slices of Grandma’s rum cake.

They are utterly true. They don’t filter their mischievous natures through pretence or fakery. They simply are what they are on every (EVERY) level and if you can’t keep up then that’s your problem. And believe me (sweet Mother of divine hour, believe me) if you don’t keep up with them they WILL make you question your understanding of the universe.

But this power they possess; their inordinate ability to control the very fabric of life itself as if it were some child’s plaything, it is tenfold worth all the effort required (in truth it’s worth far, far, super-far more). That is to say, a Weimaraner, while they can’t be trusted on their own for five seconds (let alone five minutes) without assuming they will at least plot the invasion of Luxemburg; they love in a way that is unequivocally remarkable. I have known many dogs and (sadly) even more humans, and there is no love, none, (not even a little bit) like the love of a Weimaraner.

They aren’t afraid to tell you that they understand you. Whatever secret treaty all the animals of Earth signed on Moses’ arc, somehow Weimaraners managed to write a clause into that codex that exempts them from pretending that they don’t fully understand us. I tell you firsthand, on my life, these creatures are the very heart of what makes us human. They required a lot of work, almost as much work as humans do. Sometimes even more so (I won’t lie). But I’ll be damned for all time if there isn’t something to else to these dogs.

So next time you see one of these celestial entities just trot right on over to them and ask them if you can pet them (because that’s just good manners) (and because Weimaraners have this whole thing about etiquette), then do your utmost to get to know them. If you can (and bear in mind that you need to be able to account for their separation anxiety) (all jokes aside, this can’t be overstated) let one of these beautiful beings take you under their wing. You won’t be a real person until you do. I know. Because I of all people didn’t even know that I wanted to be a real person until I met Tesla. There is just something more to these magnificent dogs. Also, (I’m not even going to get into “why” here and now, but do yourself a favour and just take my word for it on face value) don’t let them near your ceilings.

Stephen Fahey

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